Fish Bowl Thoughts

To contemplate my recent years would be like watching a fish swim in his/her bowl- constant, not really changing, and expecting the same routines day after day. Nothing really changes, and we get used to the present, not really expecting any BIG change. Sometimes, though, our lives are not always confined to our fish bowls. Sometimes life changes without warning, without plausible cause or really any viable reason. My life has been changed a lot recently over the past few years, or maybe even just last year. New friends, new relationships, broken and rebuilt friendships, and all in the span of but maybe what, two years? My life as I know it has been going on a wonderfully eventful ride for the past several months now, as well. Dams overloading, tears spilling out like waterfalls, that sorta thing.

As most of you who know me, I do not speak much. My feelings have always been in a tight bundle of what I called self-preservation. I don't like getting hurt, and keeping to myself usually prevents the hurt others can cause, but lately keeping it in has been hurting me much more then before. I've always had this, probably crazy, idea that if I kept to myself, kept my feelings from seeing the light of day, nobody could get close enough to hurt me.

I was wrong.

Apparently, God must have had a sense of humor when he made little ol me. He gave me a very big, nurturing heart. A mothering heart, I guess. I don't know why, but my heart is as playable as guitar strings. I grow firm attachments to my close friends, and even though I never really gave much of myself (I know I should, and am doing better now), my heart hurt for them, loved for them, and was angry for them. Sometimes, I would feel betrayed by my friends, but my anger doesn't usually last long when they have wronged me. No, it's when they wrong my family that I have a problem. It's bad of me, but I can hold a seeping anger for months on people who have hurt my family.

Recently, I've been pondering why God would give me such a caring heart. Well, recently, meaning that I'm actually beginning to try to understand what God wants for me, instead of sitting in my own little bemoaned world where it is woe is me, I'm alone and sad and useless and I don't matter to the world. Yeah, not fun.

Anyway, the question is why did God make me care so much? Some people I don't really know but friends with, I get worried for them. Worry-wort me ^^

But, anyway. I'm learning to deal with these annoying changes in my life, and who knows, maybe one day I'll understand why God gave me the heart I have. I have some ideas, but I'm not really ready to share them via world-wide internet. Sorry, stalkers out there.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, and maybe I have said something that will make you ponder yourself a bit?

Here to ramble always,

Winter